The story of Jose Mourinho’s letter to Man United is already one of the great tales of this Premier League season.
Reports suggest The Special One sent a six-page message to Old Trafford, making clear “his strong desire” to manage the club. And although his agent has fiercely denied it, the idea of Mourinho penning a love letter to United has got many fans wondering…
Just what would that letter actually say?
Dear Great Men of Manchester United,
I write to you today because I am sad.
Sad to see your once great team playing like a Rafa Benitez reserve side. Sad to see the pitch on which my reputation was forged graced by football even my pal Big Sam would deem unacceptable.
Men of Manchester United, I can fix this. I can make it all better.
I know you worry. I know you think that Jose Mourinho is not the man for you.
And yes, I can be a bit of a pain. I like a moan in the press. I often get in trouble with The FA. My management style goes from galvanising and inspirational to divisive and antagonistic in the space of a few short years.
These things are all true. But you know what else I do? I WIN.
Two Champions Leagues. Three Premier Leagues. Two Serie A titles. One La Liga title. The LPFP Awards’ Best Portuguese Manager in Foreign Countries… twice.
And besides, YOU try working for Roman Abramovich and maintaining a cheery disposition 24/7. It’s no easy task, let me tell you. Explaining my decisions and justifying my choices to his gaggle of minions is not my idea of a good time.
But at United? At United, you have Sir Bobby Charlton and Sir Alex Ferguson on hand to liase with the manager. Sir Bobby Charlton and Sir Alex Ferguson . After years of talking football with Michael Emenalo and Bruce Buck, those are some board meetings I would actually look forward to.
I have heard some people say that my typical style of football would not suit your club; that the tactics I used at Chelsea would not fit the “Man United way”. To those people I say simply this:
My Real Madrid team scored 121 La Liga goals in 2011/12. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE GOALS in 38 games.
I would compare these numbers to the goalscoring record of your current side, but I would not like to insult Mr van Gaal.
See? I CAN show tact and diplomacy. I CAN be polite. I CAN act with the dignity you demand of a Man United manager.
Just as long as you don’t expect me to start saying nice things about Arsene Wenger. That might be a dealbreaker…