I see them all the time in high brow restaurants in Lagos. Usually, they announce their presence in a group of four, three or two in some cases. Guys reading this, you are part of the problem in Nigeria if you notice the first thirteen signs without approaching their table. Here we go.
1. They pick the most visible spot in the restaurant to seat.
2. Then study the menu like they are studying for JAMB.
3. It takes roughly thirty minutes to an hour for them to decide an item on the menu they want.
4. And when they do, it’s usually the cheapest. Malt, coke, cranberry juice or orange juice.
5. They take a lot of selfies while waiting for their order. A lot of selfies!
6. They laugh a lot to nothing in particular…and very loud to attract the attention of prospective boyfriends seated.
7. It is common to find them laughing loud one minute and sober the next minute when they feel a potential lead may never approach their table.
8. Their eye lashes looks like they are ready to fly. Heavy makeup is the costume. Pushup bra and waist trainer is the dress code. Add a strappy sandals & ombre wig to that.
9. They are usually with power banks cos they know it’s going to be long wait. And of course, that time can be spent in achieving the next level in Candy Crush.
10. They keep staring around anytime anyone walks in as though they are human drone cameras.
11. They make quick dashes to the rest room every fifteen minutes to remind candidates seated that they are still waiting.
12. And of course, to retouch their lipstick and rearrange the foam in their bra.
13. Accent fluctuates between American, British, and pidgin depending on who is walking past their table.
14. When it’s time to pay for their drinks using POS after an unsuccessful outing, they pull out up to four ATM cards and contribute in fractions like church offerings.