When someone says, “I don’t give a fuc k,” I assume that person is either abstinent or a horribly, terribly selfish lover. Be neither. Be the kind of person who both gives and takes a fu ck.
This isn’t about making love; this is about fucking like you give a fuck.
Quick advice: even if it’s just once a week, getting in some good, sweaty exercise will take your bedroom game to the next level. More from a good hormones situation than a sculpted abs one. Also, change your sheets every seven to ten days.
1. Get SWEATY.
And I mean that in the best, most se x-positive way. You should get sweat and other bodily stuff on you even in the vanilla-est of situations. So be prepared. Men, your mouth will be needed and your beard will need a shampooing; most women can’t (or won’t, Barbara) orgasm from intercourse alone and fuck ing like you give a fu ck means both parties leave satisfied. Women, be prepared to engage your kissers, too.
2. Forget about your body insecurities.
This is the one area you can give a fuck about. You’ve already got this other person in your bed, kitchen or Burger King bathroom, so let’s pitch out these insecurities, enjoy the fuck out of each other’s company, and let the rhythm get us, aight?
3. Protect yourself.
Are y’all using condoms? If yes, sorry about that, but keep a few spares by the bed. Those suckers can break and nobody is trying to waddle out to the medicine cabinet while you’re trying to break each others’ backs, or, you know, have a baby born out of a purely visceral trip to poundtown.
4. Don’t be lazy.
If you don’t build up a bit of a lather then you’re doing it wrong. Even if you’re in a supine position, when your partner pushes you best push back. Speaking of, don’t think that you have to be able to walk it out to be a rhythmic f*ck partner. Pretend you’re hula-hooping, where one of you takes the lead and mirror one another. That could be a metaphor for you’re entire relationship … I don’t care, not my business.
5. Vocalize your pleasure.
Women, I cannot (and will not) stress this enough: make noise. Does it feel contrived? Sure. Does anyone care? Nah. It can be your standard moan-fest and that’s great. No dude is going to pull out and go back to his place if you say, “fuck me” and you decide to work blue. We’re not making babies here. Dudes, less is typically more in the boudoir so let your partner take the lead.
6. Hard and fast does the trick.
My understanding is that some women don’t care for that combo. In that case, hard is better than fast. An occasional check-in to the tune of, “You good?” is acceptable if “You like that?” is too porn-y.
7. Using a toy is completely OK.
This goes for her lady business, guys. Yeah, your jam may be too small but don’t take it personally, because you can’t change it.
8. Don’t feel pressured to make eye contact.
You’re not making love or doing that lazy on-the-side morning se x thing.
9. Finish in do ggie style.
It’s no one’s fault that something that’s already the size of a nickel shrinks to the size of a dime in that position. And if it were someone’s fault, what are you going to do about it? Plus, pulling hair (a must-have, if done respectfully) is so much less awkward for both of you from this move and the person up front gets a little break on doing work. I wouldn’t suggest checking your Instagram from here, but you do you.
10. Ladies: Choose where the “deposit” goes.
We’ve all seen this movie and know how it ends. Use your words wisely because he will take you magic-wish-literally. I like to whisper, “I love you, now don’t get pregnant” at this moment, but I’m not saying it’s for you.
11. If you’ve fuc ked correctly, you should both be disheveled.
The person who’s least gross should fetch a skeet towel and mop this operation up. Even if he/she isn’t spending the night, make comments about what a nice time you had, how attractive you find the other person, and about a desire to do this again at some near date. Feel free to make a joke about scratches or bite marks at this point. Just because you’re now a good fucker doesn’t mean you can’t be cordial.