While we’d like to believe we’re all Casanovas in the sack, the truth of the matter is that every one of us has made our fair share of mistakes in the bedroom. (We were all vir gins at one point, so let’s not all flatter ourselves.)
But there is a bright side to these sexual foibles, as these mishaps are used as learning experiences for future, more impressive lovemaking. In case you need a recap of the mistakes you’ve made, these are the most widespread (but redeemable) mistakes we’ve made in bed — some of which, you’ll realize, happen more than others.
1. WE CUT FOREPLAY SHORT
Sometimes a man is just too worked up to make his way through the first stages of intercourse and instead skips the preview, opting for express access to full-on penetration. While selfish of us, the alternative is coming prematurely. Like, prior to entering.
2. WE HAVE A MESSY PUBIC SITUATION
In the same way women head out in public makeup-free and tragically collide with an ex for the first time after a not-so-amicable breakup, there’s the just-as-likely instance we’re going to get lucky after a dry spell; which usually means our pubic situation is not ideal, resembling hair a wild tumbleweed in a deserted Western town.
On the opposite end of the pubic spectrum, we might have shaved the day before an unexpected dalliance and our pubic area is covered in that itchy, unexpected rash due to both brutish techniques and insufficient tools (because shopping for razors is expensive, so we don’t really do that too much).
3. WE SWEAT ON HER
Sometimes we put in a lot of work to make sure everybody’s getting off during an intimate encounter. The result of this is that we sweat. A lot. And since many of the most popular se x positionsplace us on top of her, she’ll likely encounter our sweat as well.
4. WE GET TOO AGGRESSIVE
Whether we thrust too hard, say something too vulgar, or use our fingers as if we’re operating a jackhammer, sometimes we can get a little too aggressive in the throes of passion, and need to be told to back the f*ck off. While a little aggression can certainly be appreciated, we sometimes take her fondness for aggression too far and therefore need to be put in our place. So, uh spank us… or something.
5. WE COME EARLY
If it’s been a while for us — or the girl is hotter than anything we’ve ever masturbated to — we might “arrive” a little earlier than we’d like. We tend to get a little embarrassed when this occurs (insisting we “swear this never happens”), so we either end the dalliance, expecting to never hear from her again, or hope that she gives us another shot in about 20 minutes. Maybe 30.
6. WE DON’T COME AT ALL
On the other hand, while many dudes eja culate prematurely, others may not come at all. In both instances, we usually feel the same way and try to make up for it by, again, assuring her this never happens, or, more likely, blame it on the alcohol.
7. WE PUT THE CONDOM ON BACKWARDS
Despite being taught this lesson as far back as elementary school, a condom is not easy to put on. You’re almost guaranteed to put the thing on backwards in the first attempt. I’ve never actually gone as far to roll a condom down my shaft backwards because that would be difficult to do, but I’m sure somebody somewhere has.
8. WE STAB THE PUBIC BONE
Similar to how we may hit the anus instead of her va gina, sometimes we instead stab her pubic bone. In fact, when confronted with our first va gina, many of us are surprised to find that it’s actually located underneath the female. Many of us are falsely led to believe (through illustrated diagrams and urban legend) that the vagina is located further up on the body, closer to where you find a guy’s penis. Nope.
9. WE PUT OUR WIENERS IN HER BUTT “ACCIDENTALLY”
Whether intentional or not, if you’re having se x in the dark, we don’t have much to guide ourselves. So sometimes, in an attempt to get ourselves in there, we hit that other part of the anatomy that is located rather close to the intended target. Since condoms don’t come with a GPS (not a bad business idea, actually) we instead have to feel around as if we’re playing a game of pin the dick on the vagina. If you ever find yourself in a situation such as this, ask your lady for a favor: grab our wiener and do the guiding for us.
10. WE GET A LITTLE TOO INFLUENCED BY P*RN
We watch a lot of porn. All of us. Because we do, we tend use porn as a tool for sexual education when we really shouldn’t. This is evident when we attempt difficult positions that look way better than they feel. This may also lead us to say things we’ve heard in hardcore clips that we shouldn’t with our partners, turning se x into some strange monologue that has us asking bizarre questions that ultimately feed our egos.