The Bitch Series #14 – My Favourite Bitch


The Bitch Series #13 – A Bitch’s Worst Day 

After driving for over two hours across the third mainland bridge leading to Lagos Island, Zainab finally got to her destination. It was a brown two storey building, nothing spectacular when compared to other five – ten story buildings that were around it. There wasn’t a sign board around because that cost a lot of money, but the name of the building was boldly written on front wall, right above the highest window, it read: “IMMACULATE STUDIO”. Zainab, as usual, sat still in her car for a while, doing nothing much but clearing her mind. The meeting with Boniface had gone quite well and they had mapped out a strategy which was going to kick off soon. She then stepped out of the car and gracefully walked into the building, clad with a super-hot “kneel length” red gown. A carpenter who was cutting a piece of wood nearly cut his hand while staring at her, but that’s another story. Judging from the way she walked past the receptionist and took the left staircase, with people greeting her from left and right, she was obviously a regular face.

She climbed up to the top floor where the main studio was and immediately spotted him, E.A. He looked quite simple wearing a pair of black jeans, red top and a jacket. He was busy, talking with one of the cameramen, probably passing some instructions to him. Zainab walked up to him, and tapped him on the shoulder since he was backing her. He turned and a smiled formed on his face. “Hey! You are here?” He asked rhetorically. Zainab smiled back and nodded in response. “Err… That’s good to know, I didn’t expect you this early though, shooting starts by 6PM, and the time is just…” He looked at his wristwatch and wanted to complete his statement but Zainab beat him to it, “…5PM, yeah, I know. I just wanted to somehow make up for not being around yesterday,” she replied. “Make up? Inviting 3face and P-cube to the show is more than enough.

Hope they are still coming by the way?” “Yea, sure, they would be here before 6PM, I told them shooting starts 5:30PM” “Ahh… You sneaky liar… It’s all good sha,” E.A replied, his smile was now more visible, he was excited and he wasn’t shy to show it. “Okay, that aside, I can’t stare at you for one hour, what can I help with, I can see the stage hasn’t be set. I know one or two things about stage designing, mind if I go ahead?” Zainab asked with a grin. E.A bursted out in a long annoying laughter, “Wait oh! You want to get sweaty before the show? I don’t think so… You need to be working on looking more beautiful and not moving chairs around, I pay people to do that” “So I get to sit down on a chair and be made up while you do all the work, in case you have forgotten, we both host the show.

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Won’t you look all sweaty too?” “Oh, no no… Today edition is a special one, we already have two male celebrities coming over, I being there wouldn’t be a nice scene, I think it should just be you and them. I trust you can handle it, ask Tola for your script…” E.A replied with a tone of finality and turned back to the camera man. “Hey! That is not a problem, I don’t even need a script to ask questions. I want to do something more manly,” she replied, but E.A ignored her. Zainab just sighed and walked away, she wanted to design the stage and the stage she was going to design. After a fairly hectic day at work, John finally slammed the door of his office and locked it. He looked at his secretary sitting at a table just outside the office and told her he was going home, she just smiled at him. They had been working together for two years and she had grown to like her boss for reasons she couldn’t explain, let just say John is a lovable guy.

Although she was very professional with her work and never for once expressed her personal feelings directly to John, she hoped and prayed he would one day notice her. John walked out and drove straight home. He got home and met Samuel in the sitting room watching a porn movie with a bowl of cereals in his hand. Since Samuel left the army, he hadn’t really tried to work, he lived in John’s house, ate from John’s pot and literally lived off John. John on the other hand was grateful he had someone to live with, he was getting bored of living all alone in the big house, and had no time for girls, so they both somehow complemented each other. “Please tell me that’s not what you have been doing all day?” John asked Samuel as he walked into the house. “What exactly do you mean?” Samuel asked, he could sense John was about to start with teasing him so he pulled up his defences.

“Wanking yourself,” John replied and walked past the sitting room to the kitchen, he took extra care to make sure he didn’t look at the TV again. “Yea, whatever. When last I checked, I wasn’t the one who bought the porno…” Samuel replied. John was about to say, “So what’s you poi….” When he got to the kitchen and suddenly paused to screamed, “Samuel!!!!” Samuel was startled, he paused the movie and ran to the John. “What is it?” He asked. “Samuel, what did you do to my kitchen? The kitchen was turned upside down, the sink was filled with dirty plates, the floor had both garri and uncooked beans littered all over the floor, the table was stained with stew and ground egusi, with grains of cooked rice, it was a total mess. “What’s wrong with it? The cook didn’t come today so I was trying to cook something, and I did. Check the pots and you would see,” Samuel was feeling really proud with himself. “Samuel, you and I know you’ve never touched a stove before,” John replied sympathetically, he was trying not to show his anger. Samuel was offended, “hey! What do you mean by that, you know, they don’t only teach us how to kill people in the army? Just try out the rice and stew I cooked”.

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“If you cooked rice and stew why were you eating cereals then?” John asked. Samuel became speechless, he had actually cooked trash. He forgot to put salt in the rice which made it tasteless and had put too much salt in the stew which made it inedible, he knew this and so settled for the cereals. “But wait a minute, if you cooked just rice and stew, why the hell is there garri and egusi all over the place?” John asked, then he had a rethink, “on second thoughts, don’t answer that, I don’t think I want to hear your reply” “Okay, if you say so.” Samuel replied and went back to his porn grinning sheepishly. John went to the shelf and brought out the cornflakes pack, he fixed something to eat and then went to join Samuel in the sitting room. He snatched the remote and changed the station to MTV base, “I’m not watching such rubbish with you,” he said. “Like I said, I’m not the one that bought it”

“Whatever” They had watched a couple of musical videos in silence when Samuel suddenly broke the silence. “What about those chicks we helped out yesterday? Have you called any of them to check how they doing? You know your life is so boring and you need a female in it?” Samuel asked in a mocking tone. “Hmmm, that’s true…”John said and Samuel gave him a mischievous smile, he got the meaning and then explained, “Oh… Not that my life is boring but I need to call them, hope you didn’t zap all the airtime I recharged in the land line?” “I don’t know, go and check” Samuel replied, John could sense something fishy about his reply, he dropped his cereal and picked up the land line that was on a stool beside the couch. He checked the balance and say “#0.40?. “Oh my gosh! Samuel!!!” John exclaimed. “What?” Samuel replied, trying to avoid eye contact.

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“I recharged this phone with over #5000 worth of airtime yesterday, what happened to it?” “I dunno, I guess GNP has stolen the money! They always do that” Samuel replied. John knew he was just lying and started one of his boring lectures. “Samuel! You know you’ve got to get your shit together. A lot of things aren’t normal with you anymore. Imagine, the other day I went to your room, I saw three socks in your shoes, if it was two or four or even six, I would have understood, but three? How did that even happen? You don’t seem to give a fuck about…” “Would you just make the call and shut the fuck up!” Samuel intercepted and for no particular reason, the both started laughing.

The way they understood themselves was amazing. “Okay… If you say so, which one exactly should I call?” John asked after they were done laughing. “Err… You have only one of them number na, the slim one…” “Zainab?” “Yea… That’s the name! I don’t even like the fat one and it’s a good thing we don’t have her number” “Actually, I have the both phone numbers, Jummy gave me hers” “I thought you didn’t memorise it?” Samuel had been eavesdropping. “Well, I did… I just had to play dumb a little na, didn’t you see how important she felt?” “Evil boy! Sha hope you aren’t going to call her oh, she is too fat…” Samuel replied and made an annoying sound with his mouth. John picked up his personal phone and dialled Jummy’s number then waited for it to connect. “Who are you calling?” Samuel asked. “Don’t worry, I’ll put the call on loud speaker.” John replied.



(c) Chistar

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